I have been devouring another recovery blogsite, Daily Reprieve. The author and I seem to have much in common; former military service, multiple trips through the steps, alternative lifestyles (former, in my case, but the experience is ingrained.) He posted this on September 2, 2009.
I finished my 4th and 5th steps this weekend. I also accomplished the 6th and 7th steps. Now to the amends list for 8 and 9, to face my regretments.
The stranglehold that my fears had on me, particularly with the military, have been amazingly removed and replaced with a resolute serenity to reconnect in the way I finish my service to this country. Is this for real? Or have I just hyped myself up somehow? I don’t think so. This does not feel like the manic-depressive roller coaster ride. I could be wrong, but I don’t think so. Something is doing for me what I could not do for myself.
I must invest this relief in the lives of others, or it will vanish from my own. I know this. I am grateful today.
By the way, on Sunday, I dropped off that resentment marble I spoke of in the previous entry.
I had dreams about the military long after I believed I had let got of my “regretments”. Was I fooling myself that I had let go of them? Perhaps. I have never held to the belief that dreams hold some secret key to our psyche, but I do feel free today of the emotional bonds that kept I myself in over my military service. I have not had one of ~those~ dreams in some time, and it has been even longer since one of the once ubiquitous high school dreams found their way into my sleep. Regret, I think, is a wasted emotion, and yet I have squandered a great deal of emotional energy grieving past actions. Having come into AA an atheist, I still have little concern for how it all began or what will happen when I am gone, but “What if?” still has a tendency to preoccupy my monkey mind.
My fears no longer have the ’stranglehold’ on me that they once had, they no longer motivate me, but they are ever-present. I must hold constant vigil. Replacing them with faith takes constant practice. Will this ever become second nature?