I have once again put off my 9th step amends. One would think I would have made quick work of what would surely have given me relief, but I have done what I do each and every time I work the steps; I procrastinate. I am as yet unclear as to why I do this every time. It’s not that I have trouble admitting my wrongs to those I have harmed. Is it laziness? Certainly. Admitting vulnerability? Perhaps.
Friday evening marks Rosh Hashanah, the beginning of Yamin Noraim or “the days of awe”, days specifically set aside to focus on repentance which conclude with the holiday of Yom Kippur, the day of atonement. I have explored and been deeply moved by Judaism since the early days of my sobriety. It is the one faith that I feel an affinity toward, if any.
I left the Lutheran church without looking back at the age of 13, unable to reconcile our differences. I turned to Buddhism when my spirit felt bereft and it was in this Atheist state that I came to AA. When I came to a kernel of realization about God, the search began. Judaism was the closest thing to matching what I realized. I simply felt empty when I heard that Jesus was the only way to God.
It was an Atheist who told me, after much anxiety and searching, that AA was my church. I relaxed, took it easy. Recently I have been drawn again to Judaism. The High Holidays are upon us and my amends are undone. I see here an opportunity, one rich in spiritual depth, to begin again. The last year has been one of pain, growth and presents an opportunity for renewal. I will dip the challah in honey for the good, sweet year to come. I will finish my amends and then, on Yom Kippur, I will fast to make myself like the angels, to soar as high as I can. Then I will ask God for forgiveness. “G’mar Chatima Tova”
On Yom Kippur I disassociate myself, for one day, from my body so that my body does not separate me from immersing into the mikvah of G-d’s oneness. In this way I acknowledge the truth of how I exist within G-d. I am one with Him and I am loved by Him with the very love that He loves Himself because I am an aspect of His very Self. Yom Kippur offers the perfect ambiance to return to G-d in love, redeem your dark past and turn it into light. On Yom Kippur we realize that only love is real; everything else is illusion. ~Rabbi David Aaron