This post is from another site, Beyond the End of the Road. Bob D. blogs with bitter honesty and eloquence about his life, recovery and family. I was particularly taken with this entry from October 15:
I went to my “Homegroup” last night. It had been a few weeks since being there the last time. The last time I was there I felt on the outside. I had been a trusted servant there for over 3 years. It was time to bring in new servants, it would have been done sooner but there was a lack of willingness on others that prevented this. I wasn’t happy with the way the meeting was being chaired, and was less than thrilled about some of the personalities. I walked away that night with a bad taste in my mouth.
I went last night and felt the same way. I felt like i was on the outside, even though, I was asked my experience on a matter and had a humbling moment of seeing a guy from the detox facility I spoke at through H&I on Sunday. He called me out by name at the start of the meeting as having heard me spoke and was glad I carried a message of hope to him…….
Suddenly my ego began to inflate. I would say some cool shit tonight for sure. I felt connected and had goose bumps. I would impart my Spiritual Sword and Shield of Wisdom onto these fucks and let them have it. I would tell them how I am doing everything right in my recovery and how they are falling short. The sharing began around the room to the far side…..If these newcomers would just pass….I could have more time to lay the smackdown on the chairperson, the secretary, and anyone else…..
The meeting gets to the guy chairing….he shares and looks at his phone and says it’s time to close the meeting….1 person away from my chair…..
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t they understand I am important……I have important things to say……..
I spoke to the guy that was in detox after the meeting and pointed out some other meetings in his area off the schedule and made my way out to the car.
That sense of being on the outside again swept over me…This isn’t my homegroup anymore I muttered….Even another member asked me if it was and I lied and told him…No….Not Anymore. I gave him the name of another group instead. I stood there and lied.
Sitting in the car I began to talk to myself….I know….But in talking out loud my selfishness and ego were revealed to me in something that flashed across my mind like lightning streaks across a Oklahoma sky……
God doesn’t want to hear your cool shit today Bob….
In fact he would rather have you listen.
You haven’t been doing much of that when you come here.
You expect people to treat you like your some kind of marvel.
Why don’t you follow your own suggestions you give to your guys and let other people be themselves?
Afterall….As long as someone is not using just for today….It can’t be all that bad can it?
You have enough of your own defects to turn over.
Stop worrying about this and that and concentrate on what is important…..
I replied to his post:
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had the exact feeling you had that night. I know that it’s a result of my self will not being in its proper place, but that doesn’t humble me enough to hold back the malevolence. Surely they wanted perfection, as I did, right? Couldn’t they see what a spiritual and intellectual giant I was? I’ve heard it said that the steps are terms of surrender, each a tool into itself in the way of smashing my ego. Along the way I have to not only surrender my notion of power over my disease and the manageability of my life, but I must also surrender my knowledge of right and wrong. This has been one of the biggest challenges in my recovery. I have for so long been the chief critic of God’s universe, particularly when I refused to listen to the Music of the Spheres.
Fortunately for me, I have a solution. Contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition, I have a daily reprieve. But my ego rebuilds itself ever so quickly. Surrender is a constant practice for me, something I need to be even more diligent about than personal inventory or carrying the message. The fear that has been the guiding force of the bulk of my life makes this necessary. Fear, I have heard it said, is a dark room where negatives are developed. I must let God shine a light into that dark room, and I invite him to do that when I surrender my knowledge of right and wrong, when I admit complete defeat and when I ask him for his will to be done, not mine.
Thanks for the reminder that, in a meeting, I need to ask not so much what I can get but what I can give. Your honesty gives me hope that I can stop lying someday.