It’s interesting, to meet someone who has always worn the same styles, eaten the same kinds of foods and listened to the same music. On one hand, I admire the steadfast loyalty this takes. But is this a life, fulfilled? For some it seems so, but when I get the jones for something new, there’s no stopping me seeking it out.
For what seems like a terribly long time, I could listen to nothing but female music artists. One in particular was in constant rotation for over a decade. The shows I attended were mostly female singer-songwriters. There were a few male standbys that got some play, but for the greater part of the 90’s, it was all about the ladies. Did these women saturate the airwaves? If the music I listen to ever hit he airwaves, that might be one explanation. Celebrity has evaded most of my favorite artists. I will admit to holding a kind of grudge against those who do. It’s like my little secret is out, and now I have to share. Rarity is a fine quality.
For a couple of years, I have listened to mostly male artists and bands. There have been a few exceptions, but nothing that has held my attention for very long. Some of my favorite women have released new material, which I would have gone nuts over when I was a devoted fan. Instead, I can barely preview the stuff.
This could never, of course, have anything to do with my black and white thinking. It’s either the sky or the grass, good or bad. I can’t seem to get the hang of gray areas. I’m only cheating myself. I could have the best of both worlds.
That’s where the “same guys” and I part company. If you would have told me during my dance music phase that I would be listening to folk singers a few years later, I would have laughed. Often times memories have a soundtrack. Mine is a mix tape.
My Heart Needs Your Breath, a digital illustration by Isabelle Dalle.
The longer I stay single, the more I want to be that way. In my youth, I couldn’t stand to be out of a relationship. Since my divorce, I haven’t even come into contact with many men. That changed when I moved to my own place a few months ago. This place is crawling with them, and my arrival hasn’t gone unnoticed. I’m nice to them, I don’t want a reputation for being dismissive or unfriendly. Striking a balance between being rude and maintaining boundaries can be difficult. I wonder when being kind will stop being mistaken for a come-on…
I have aged so… I always thought big knuckles would be the dead giveaway that I was turning into my mother. I was right.
Only I hope she isn’t up at 3:30, drinking coffee. She would be a nutcase.
I am, for certain, a nutcase. I started this journal/blog to delve into my alcoholism. I wrote like I was on fire, for awhile. I lost my enthusiasm for recovery from drugs and alcohol. That’s when I lost interest here, I guess. I still want and need sobriety, but AA wasn’t doing it anymore. Maybe I just wasn’t doing AA. I think often that I need to go back, at least for the fellowship. One of my firsts posts here was on fellowshipaholics. I wouldn’t mind being one of those for awhile. I was pretty down on a lot of stuff back then, but mostly on myself. I can’t believe I’m even writing this; it’s getting better. So my apologies to any fellowshipaholics out there; it sure beats the alternative.
I have been reading over posts that are three years old. Damn, I feel like I am three years old. A toddler would make better decisions than I have made in the last three years. Don’t even get me started.
I have been told this twice in just over one week: Let God be God. The two people who said this to me could not be less connected with each other, in fact one of them told me to stay away from the other. One of them told me from a spiritual high ground. The other told me this because I have a tendency to play God. That having been said, it is exactly what I needed to hear. I need to relax and take it easy. I went to an AA function yesterday and saw an Alanon friend I haven’t seen in awhile (yes I dabble there too. My dis-ease takes all shapes and forms.) She asked me what I’ve been up to. “Running the show,” I said. I suspect she thought I was joking. I couldn’t have been more serious. A dear, wonderful friend of mine has a terrific sponsor whom I’ve known since the first days of my sobriety in 2001 (we’ll call it the first incarnation of my sobriety.) She tells my friend “when in doubt, do nothing.” What a tall order, but exactly what I must do. I must let God be God. I must do what is in front of me but aside from that I must do nothing. We shall see how that works for me.