I have been reading over posts that are three years old. Damn, I feel like I am three years old. A toddler would make better decisions than I have made in the last three years. Don’t even get me started.
I can’t remember why I stopped posting blogs. I don’t know if I got too busy or just disinterested. This year has been one of so many changes for me, none seemingly for the better. Perhaps I will look back on this time and see that the struggles I went through were necessary. For now it seems as though there are only obstacles in my way, most of which I created for myself.
From June through October I drank. My last binge set into motion a series of events which have left serious consequences. I have not had a drink in almost a month, nor have I felt the desire to numb this crisis away with alcohol or drugs. This is always the case for me, when I decide I am going to be sober. My desire to drink is removed. The danger for me lies in not following through; I do not maintain my spiritual condition. I lack discipline.
Discipline of an unwanted variety will soon be given to me, to uphold or suffer a set of even more serious consequences. I know that correctional, punitive discipline will not keep me sober. Only an honest, willing effort on my part to abandon myself to what my experience shows to be a solution will keep me from dying a spiritual death by drinking.
Love and serve humanity.
Be happy, be courteous.
Be a dynamo of irrepressible joy.
Recognise God and goodness in every face.
There is no saint without a past and no sinner without a future.
Praise everyone. If you cannot praise someone, let them out of your life.
Be original, be inventive.
Take courage again and again.
Do not imitate, be strong, be upright.
Do not lean on the crutches of others.
Think with your own head. Be yourself.
All perfection and every divine virtue are hidden within you.
Reveal them to the world.
Wisdom, too, is already within you.
Let it shine forth.
Let the lord’s grace set you free.
Let your life be that of the rose,
In silence, it speaks the language of fragrance.
Om namaha shivaya.
I found out yesterday that two fellow alcoholics (people I care about and who want recovery,) are being sponsored by someone considered to be a “fellowshipaholic”. In other words, he’s not in the program for recovery, he’s hanging around because he would otherwise be lonely. I have never heard him share from the book. He shares gleefully about defying his own sponsor. Let me state without hesitation that judging others is something I struggle with and a character defect that can shut me off from my higher power in a heartbeat. When I heard that this man was sponsoring others I was more sad than angry. It took every bit of self restraint I could muster not to play God here, as I am so wont to do. See, the source was none other than one of the sponsees themselves. My mind went to the recurring suggestion that has been put in front of me so recently: let God be God. I asked if the man had been taking them through the work. The answer was as I expected; no, they meet for meals, shoot the breeze and in rare instances talk on the phone. One of the sponsees is newly sober. This is none of my business, right? No action to take. No hand has reached out to me. I think the serenity prayer is in order here. It wouldn’t hurt to run it by my sponsor, see if she thinks action is necessary. I sure would hate to see that guy drink because his program of recovery consists of what the fortune cookie said after the buffet dinner.
I have been told this twice in just over one week: Let God be God. The two people who said this to me could not be less connected with each other, in fact one of them told me to stay away from the other. One of them told me from a spiritual high ground. The other told me this because I have a tendency to play God. That having been said, it is exactly what I needed to hear. I need to relax and take it easy. I went to an AA function yesterday and saw an Alanon friend I haven’t seen in awhile (yes I dabble there too. My dis-ease takes all shapes and forms.) She asked me what I’ve been up to. “Running the show,” I said. I suspect she thought I was joking. I couldn’t have been more serious. A dear, wonderful friend of mine has a terrific sponsor whom I’ve known since the first days of my sobriety in 2001 (we’ll call it the first incarnation of my sobriety.) She tells my friend “when in doubt, do nothing.” What a tall order, but exactly what I must do. I must let God be God. I must do what is in front of me but aside from that I must do nothing. We shall see how that works for me.
We should remember that all A.A.’s have “clay feet.” We should not
set any member upon a pedestal and mark her or him out as a perfect
A.A. Its not fair to the person to be singled out in this fashion and if
the person is wise she or he will not wish it. If the person we single
out as an ideal A.A. has a fall, we are in danger of falling, too. Without
exception, we are all only one drink away from a drunk, no matter how
long we have been in A.A. Nobody is entirely safe. A.A. itself should
be our ideal, not any particular member of it. Am I putting my trust in
A.A. principles and not in any one member of the group?
Reprinted without permission from Hazelden’s “24 Hours a Day”
I went to a meeting tonight for some recovery and landed in a birthday meeting. A gal with 3 years was singled out, the whole meeting was about her ‘achievement’. Hooray for her, awesome, well done. I’m not sure when this group officially celebrates birthdays, perhaps that’s how they do it, maybe I should find out. I am not fond of birthday meetings which aren’t identified as such on the schedule or group bulletin board. Nor do I care for the entire meeting becoming about the newcomer who has identified themselves as such. Pass around a phone list and greet the newcomer at the end of the meeting. Take a few minutes out of your tv time to shove your opinions in their faces after we’ve had our cross-talk free meeting. Am I being overly rigid to look forward to serenity in a meeting?
It was, by and large, the responsibility of the chairperson to conduct the meeting in an orderly fashion. The same man chairs this meeting every week, same bat time, same bat channel, and I invariably leave feeling bereft of fulfillment. So this is about me, not the meeting or the chairperson or the gal with 3 years. It’s about my expectations, once again, and the fact that they directly relate to my disappointments. Hello, square one…